Walking through JFK, tugging along my suitcase, sad sounding drugged out screaming cats in tow (their poor voices didn't carry past the walls of their plastic prison), I look at the airport terminal with new eyes. This is to be my new home airport terminal... the place where, when I come back from a long exhausting trip, happy to be back amongst familiar surroundings, the promise of home a taxi ride away, I am supposed to feel euphoric in it's presence. Unfortunately time didn't permit me to soak in the atmosphere, as I was threatened to be trampled by scores of other travelers heading for the exit, who apparently already had this moment sometime in the distant past, and now just wanted to get the hell out.
Now you should be aware, being the careful planning individual I am, there was no way I was showing up to an empty apartment without a bed, warm blankets, cat food, and of course a litter box + liners + litter (god knows from of the smell of the crates they needed to use the facilities).
Amazon baby! It's the shit. There's only one problem, someone needs to be there to accept a package. No worries, I just sent it all to my landlord's address... that'll make a nice first impression. I can see the UPS driver now... 'Pardon me mam, but can you sign for these items here... let's see: 1 queen size inflatable mattress, 20 lb bag of science diet (light), 15 lb box of super clumping premium litter, a few more boxes of this and that, oh... and this:
*Whump*!
Landlady: "my lord, what is that?"
UPS Driver: "The RoboLitter 2000 mam, it's the worlds largest, most expensive, and silliest looking litter box known to man "
In all fairness, I did call the Lords one week before my arrival to tell them they had a couple of parcels coming to their address. Nobody answered, nobody responded to any of my messages. Every day, for 5 days, sometimes multiple times a day, I called them, worried they would refuse the shipment, but by the end, I was just hoping they hadn't died. And yes, their last name is Lord. Uncanny eh?
So, on my car ride from the airport, I instructed the driver to stop by Petco, you know, where the pets go, so I could at least get the essentials for them. I would have to suffer one night on hardwood floors with no blankets, big deal. I can handle it...
Fortunately, 30 minutes before I got 'home', my landlady called me to say she got my messages, they were out of town and just got back at 7:30. There were some packages waiting. That's good news! 2 packages to be exact: 1 medium box, and one really small box. Looks like the mattress made it, as did the litter box liners.
After settling in, getting the cats settled, and their crap set up, I was wiped and ready for bed. After inflating the mattress, I bundled up in some clothes, using my carry on as a pillow, and promptly tried to sleep. Well, that wasn't going too well for one reason: It's fucking cold. I have a couple of radiators in my apartment, and they weren't warm. Not even in the same vicinity as warm to be exact. It must've been about 55 degrees in my apartment. To add to this, as my sister correctly stated, and I soon found out, air mattresses do not provide any warmth whatsoever. In fact, they do just the opposite, they siphon it.
So there I laid, freezing and tired, unable to sleep, bundled in practically every article of clothing I owned (skull cap and hoodie to, oh yeah), literally feeling the heat leaving my body, and now reflecting on the very wise musings of my friend Mark: "..oh no my friend, you have no idea what cold is. There are certain types of cold, no matter how much clothing you are wearing, where you just can't warm up.. hahaha, you gonna freeze". At least I had the warmth from the cats crawling all over me, one more reason to the tally of why to own a really big dog.
I tried to turn on the radiators... but where the hell is the switch? Isn't there some kind of on/off switch, temperature gauge, indicator light, or something?? There was an open/close valve, but where the hell's the pilot? I Couldn't open them up without lighting the pilot, I might suffocate in methane gas. Later, however, I found out Radiators do just what the name implies: radiate. Just need to open the valve to let the heat in from the basement, you dumbfuck.
Be it known, litter box liners don’t make good blankets. Neither does a suitcase.
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